Anonymous
Trigger Warning: Eating Disorders
I hate the gym, and I love chocolates.
I still remember the first time I got made fun of for being fat. I was only eight years old, and my third-grade crush called me an elephant. That day I went home and didn't eat any cake - it was my birthday.
When I was eleven, I was playing football downstairs with my friends when an older woman approached me and said, "You shouldn't wear shorts if your thighs are so fat, it looks vulgar." I didn't make a big deal out of it, but I stopped wearing shorts from that day.
At the age of thirteen, I decided that I would start exercising to lose weight. Unfortunately, I wasn't seeing any results and was sick of feeling so ashamed of my body. I decided to resort to puking. It seemed like such an easy thing to do; eat how much ever I want, puke it out, and voilá: you've gained zero calories.
Some days I'd binge eat at 3:00 am and continue to puke everything out. I wouldn't even eat food if I knew that I couldn't puke it out later. After this terrible cycle for almost a year, I had lost three kilos. All this hurting my body for nothing but three kilos of weight loss and a compliment from a random aunty saying I've lost weight? As I looked in the mirror at my bloodshot eyes and scarred fingers and realized - it was pointless.
I lost weight the right way through exercise and good food habits. And for one year, I stopped.
When I was fifteen, I found myself going through some problems, and instead of talking about them, I resorted to my old ways again. When things started getting bad, I resorted to binge eating and food to forget about my emotions. I had a very loving group of friends and family, but I was just afraid to speak to them because I was so utterly ashamed. Ashamed of the way I looked and ashamed of not being able to love myself.
I started to pick myself up again. There wasn't anything someone could say to me or do for me that would make me stop. I realized that this had to start with loving myself. Somebody I love told me to look in the mirror and say, "I love you" every day, and as stupid as that sounds, it helped. I started exercising again, I started writing about my emotions, and I started sketching. I started doing things I enjoyed, things that made me - me.
I love eating and love going on food trips across the world with my dad. One day, when I grow up, I even want to be a travel food blogger. When I'm hungry, I usually resort to grabbing a spoon of Nutella straight from the jar and have 0 regrets. My favorite cuisine is Mexican, and I'm sure you'll find me stuffing my face at Taco Bell a good two to three times a week.
The only message that I have for you is :
1. It's okay to stuff your face with chocolates if you're craving them.
2. Even god can't skip cheat days.
3. Pringles taste surprisingly good with vanilla ice cream.
My point is, I still hate the gym and still love chocolates, but now I also love me.