Advitha Harini
Trigger Warning: Body Image Issues, Eating Disorders, Self-Harm
Hi. I’m Advitha, and here’s a story I haven’t told anyone.
“Body image is a person’s perception of their own body’s aesthetics or sexual attractiveness.”
When I was eleven years old, I was introduced to the term “Body Image” by my teacher. While explaining what the phrase meant, she emphasized how important it was to have the right body image and love yourself. I didn’t pay enough attention to her back then.
I remember not having much of an interest in eating as a child, and I was always considered skinny. However, I didn’t see myself that way. My middle school years consisted of me looking at other girls in my class, and I’d wonder how their bodies were so beautiful, how their thighs were so small, and how tiny their waists were. At a very young age, I developed body image issues, and they only grew as I got older.
Then, at the start of 2019, I decided it was about time I did something about my body. It didn’t even occur to me, at the time, that I could learn to love my body the way it was. I began to starve myself.
At first, it wasn’t noticeable. I’d skip breakfast every day, pretending to drink the coffee they gave at school, then throwing it out because “it tastes bad.” Then I started to skip lunch every other day, claiming that “I wasn’t hungry” or “I don’t like the school food.” Soon enough, every other day turned into every single day.
When my friends would ask why I’m not eating, I would shrug it off and say, “Don’t worry, I’m gonna eat at home.” Then I would go home and tell my mom that I’d eaten at school and that I wasn’t hungry.
And so, this went on for months. I barely ever ate more than one meal a day (only because I couldn’t skip dinner; I didn’t want my family to suspect anything.) Some of my friends started to get concerned when I skipped lunch, and they’d force me to eat (y’ all know who you are, and if you’re reading this, thank you for trying to take care of me.) Every time, I would eat just a couple of bites to get them to stop. But how much ever I starved myself, I was never satisfied.
I never noticed the effect that this had on my body until later on. My skin stuck to my bones, and my cheeks always looked sunken. I hated the way I looked and stopped looking at myself in the mirror altogether. I’d even shower with the lights off to avoid looking at my body. I kept myself covered, always wearing hoodies and keeping my jacket on, no matter how hot it got. I soon started to lose focus and fall sick easily. I felt super unmotivated, and my grades began to suffer. I barely slept at night, and my eye bags didn’t help how I saw myself either.
Then, towards the end of the year, I fell extremely sick. My parents rushed me to the doctor. I was worried he would ask about my diet, or the (TW) cuts on my arms (oh and did I mention I started to cut myself?) When he checked my weight, he looked concerned. He asked me if I was eating well, and of course, I said I was. Then, he looked me dead in the eye and said, “Never lie to your doctor, Advitha.” Surprise, surprise, I got put on pills. My parents started to make sure I ate well and never let me miss taking my medications.
Slowly, I started to recover. It wasn’t easy to eat at first, I would throw up a lot, but gradually my diet returned to normal. I began to learn to love my body, with all of its flaws. I still feel bad if I eat a lot of food at once, but I can’t deny that I’m so much better than I was before.
A lot of people complimented me on how skinny I was when I was starving myself. My journey made me realize that it doesn’t matter how much everyone loves you until you love yourself, without having to change your body for others.