She's Got a Body Like Mia Khalifa

Abhinaya Viswanathan

TRIGGER WARNING: Sexual Assault, Pornography, Eating Disorders, Dysmorphia

This article is 18+

“You should be a model!”

“I’m not skinny or tall enough to be a model.” I chuckled awkwardly.

“Not that kind…” He said, staring at my body.

I’ve got a body like Mia Khalifa. Curves in all the right (wrong) places. A chest that developed way too early. A body that got comments from people regardless of their gender. A body that was meant to be covered up. A body that belongs to a porn star.

My body has never been a source of pride for me. For years, I was considered too chubby, then too skinny, then too curvy and sensual. I got negative attention from people before I even had my period. Then, when I was thirteen, I was sexually assaulted for the first time. At the time, I didn’t even know what r*pe was. I was too young and sheltered to understand what had happened to me. So I swallowed the memories and I pretended it never occurred.

I’ve got a body like Mia Khalifa, you see; I was asking for it.

I blamed my chest then, and a part of me blames my body now. Maybe if I had smaller breasts, or if I wasn’t curvy, this wouldn’t have happened to me. I had begun the process of obsessing over my body and objectifying myself. I was disgusting, I was a sex toy, I was nothing but my chest, my butt, and my hips. I was too fat, my legs were too skinny, my stomach moved when I walked and so did my thighs. I couldn’t run without my chest bouncing. I look like I’m out of hentai. I look like I’m out of a porno.

My biggest scare was when my best friend told me she had an eating disorder. Her disordered thoughts matched mine in more than one way. I convinced myself that I didn’t have bad thoughts about my body. I told myself that I didn’t have body dysmorphia, I couldn’t possibly. I looked too healthy, I was too fat to have a disorder and so many girls would love to have a body like mine. After all, that is what I’d been told so many times. Yet, I could never allow myself to truly believe it. I hated my body, it had caused me too much pain already for me to love it. It was a thing - a creation that I had never wanted. I’m sure Mia Khalifa never wanted her body either.

I’ve got a body like Mia Khalifa, but I want to be as strong as her too.

When I finally read more about her and did my research, I suddenly had a profound respect for her. I found that she uses her platform to give other’s voices a chance to be heard. She uses her notoriety to educate people about the harmful culture of stigmatization. She talks about ideas and feelings that so many people are too afraid to talk about. So maybe, just maybe, I can learn to love my body too. Yes, I have a body like Mia Khalifa, but I’m more than just a sexual object. I have intelligence, kindness, and compassion too.