Aditi Neti
TRIGGER WARNING: Crash Diets, Body Image Issues
Being overweight has been something I have been struggling with my entire life. I genuinely have no clue what it's like to buy clothes that are a size small. I never wear sleeveless tops because I’m insecure about my arms. My wardrobe collection is super tiny because I don’t like how 90% of clothes my size make me look shapeless, and I rewear the few outfits that I feel good in as many times as is socially acceptable.
I felt insecure around my smaller and thinner friends, too, and when I had a boyfriend, the thought that he was way out of my league was always in the back of my mind. A glow-up was due, it seemed.
I was on the path to get there: I’d gotten braces and fixed my teeth, used better hair products, gotten spectacles that suited my face more. I constantly compared my current self to my past self to see if there were any visible results. I had plans to join a gym over the summer, to play tennis again, so I could go to college and ensure that other people’s first impressions of me had nothing to do with my size. I spent week after week dreaming of an idealised version of myself. The glow-up was so close, I could feel it on my fingertips. Maybe I would make an Instagram post showing myself off!
Of course, instead, quarantine happened, and I put on a little weight. (Which is perfectly normal!) I tried starting several fitness challenges, but lost motivation when I didn’t see any immediate results. I developed spots on my face, and spent all day wearing a baggy t-shirt and baggy shorts. I tried to eat healthy, but any progress made was ruined by frequent 2am snack sessions. Any hope I had of achieving my peak physical existence came crashing down, and I gave up completely. The glow-up would just have to wait, it seemed. I would have to remain as I was. Maybe the stress of college would help me drop a few kilos?
But then I thought about it: why was I so worried about looking different? What was so inherently wrong with who I was and what I looked like at the moment? I wasn't a 100% in love with my body, but was I just unhappy that I would be perceived as fat? Did my desire to lose weight come from a need to be healthy or just a need to impress other people?
I’ve always been a people pleaser, and I think a huge part of me wanting to look thinner was to make my family happy, make my friends marvel at my transformation, or even just to stop any negative comments that came my way. Hey, but at the end of the day, my family will continue loving me, my real friends care no matter what, and there’s always going to be negativity. The only thing that should matter is whether I am happy or not. Cheesy, I know, but still true.
I think I’ve had a glow-up, somewhat. Even though I haven’t lost a single kilo, I’ve noticed that I’m more confident. Earlier, I never used to like talking about my size, but here I am, writing this with no plans of making it anonymous. I stand up to and call out even my closest friends for making any sort of snide remark, and I’ve matured as a person. And I finally bought a sleeveless strappy summer dress in my favourite colour and have no plans of covering my arms up!
Of course, I’m still going to start college and try to be as healthy as I can. I’m going to eat properly, I’m going to try and be physically fit, and I’m still going to try to be the best version of myself that I can be, but this time my goal is not an Instagram post. My dreams are going to be less about an ideal and more about acceptance of myself, and whether or not the ultimate glow up happens, all my motivations will now be coming from a better place.
so beautiful. i loved reading this so much