Goodbye Ana and Mia

Gargi Asthana

Trigger Warning: Eating Disorders

About four years ago, I came across a 'pro-ana' website that glorified eating disorders, promoted unhealthy eating habits, and anorexia.

I planned this out carefully. I told myself that maybe for a couple of months, I would starve myself, and once I reach my goal weight, I would get back to eating frequently and maintaining a healthy weight.

Here's the thing about an eating disorder.

You're never satisfied with who you are. You never feel comfortable in your skin.

I personified anorexia and bulimia as 'Ana' and 'Mia.' They constantly spoke to me.

"Ana wouldn't want you to eat that cake."

"Mia feels disgusted in you. You should throw it up."

And I fell for it. I was bulimic for three years.

It began with once a month, to once a week, to once a day, to after every meal. I couldn't eat because the taste of that food item reminded me of how bad it tasted when I threw it up. I couldn't look at the toilet the same way.

I was so afraid to eat. I still am.

I was eating so less, and throwing up the little I ate. My face was shrinking to its bones, and I felt like a half-alive zombie. I still thought I was 'fat.' I hesitated to wear clothes that I wanted to wear when I was 'skinny.' I refused to go out with my friends and family, afraid that they would force me to eat.

The weighing scale was my best friend, and the numbers on it were among those 'bad companies' you're told to avoid. I cared about nothing but my weight.

I opened a Tumblr account promoting eating disorders myself (thanks to Tumblr, they took it down). I don't know how it might have affected people, and I could never forgive myself for influencing myself and others.

My teenage years were not studying hard, living life, making new friends, or adventures. My teenage years were cutting calories, bending over toilet seats, feeling awful about myself, eating in front of mirrors, avoiding friends, and worst of all, replacing my friends with Ana and Mia.

After weeks of therapy and counseling, I can still hear a faint voice from Ana echoing at the back of my head whenever I sit down to eat my meal.

Every time I enter the restroom, I can hear Mia's voice calling me out.

If you are going through something similar, please seek help as soon as possible.

It took me four years to realize what an eating disorder can take away from you.

Trust me; it's more than just weight.